Shout!

Recently I was waiting in the oncologist’s exam room and I could hear in the room next door a patient’s husband ranting at the doctor.   It got real quiet, they left, and my doctor came in to see me.  I said, “that sounded pleasant.”  He said, “she doesn’t follow any of my orders because the husband intervenes.  She’s gotten worse and now he’s pissed.  I told her she can either follow my orders or get a new doctor.  “So what’s she going to do?” I asked.  “Leave her husband at home from now on,” he said.  Healthcare workers get yelled at a lot by patients and their families.  People are angry their loved ones are sick, so they want to yell at somebody.  I got used to it when I ran hospitals.  When I was a COO I got cancer for the first time and had radiation treatment every work day for six months.  At the end of one day a lady burst into Administration and started yelling about her father’s care.  I got her to sit down to figure out what the issue was.  She said to me, “do you know what it’s like to have cancer?”  I said, “Yeah, actually I do.  I have cancer right now and you’re making me late for my radiation treatment.”  It took her by surprise other people in the world had the same issue as she did.  I called her Dad’s doctor in front of her and he said the patient was doing well but the daughter was angry about him being sick.  It probably didn’t help that she never visited her Dad over the years.

Yelling never helps anyone; although it makes the yeller feel good for a little bit.  It’s also not effective; since if you yell all the time people get used to it and quit listening to you.  I had that issue a lot with some doctors who’d yell whenever something went wrong.  At the drop of a hat they’d call on the phone and start yelling at me; rather than respond I’d just hang up.  They’d call back all pissed,  “did you hang up on me?”  I’d respond real calmly, “I did and if you keep yelling at me, I’m going to keep hanging up on you.”  You’re initial instinct is to fear someone braying like a bull elephant, but if you stop and listen to every word their saying, it’s easier to understand they’re an ass and not an elephant.  I’ll admit, at work I had dozens of explosions where I’d be pissed at the situation, not the person.  I made an art form out of apologizing for my behavior so much it became a running joke.

In family life I’ve never yelled at Diane.  It’s difficult to sleep at night with one eye open knowing I might wake up with a shank in my rib cage.  Spouses and children shouldn’t get yelled at; since unless you apologize wholeheartedly the hurt leaves a permanent thorn in their hearts too big to pull out.  Trust me; I blasted my three sons tons of times for stupid things they did.  Once I yelled so loud I popped a capillary in my eye.  It dawned on me then that I was only hurting myself and not making things any better for them.  Afterwards I always made a point following my rants to apologize to them for my behavior, not their’s; that effort has kept us close forever.

The reverse corollary to yelling is listening.  It’s really difficult to listen to someone when you’re yelling back at them.  That’s the real challenge today; everyone’s too busy yelling and not listening.  People yell at each other to prove their point, express their anger, and not give a shit about the other person’s thoughts and feelings.  We’re too busy protecting our tribal position to admit the other side might actually be right and you’re wrong. When it comes to you’re health or a family member’s, especially mental health,  spend more time listening and less time yelling.  As the Goo Goo Dolls song says, “What’s the point of all this screaming?  No one’s listening anyway.”  No point in bursting a capillary in your eye.  Slainte.